My Greatest Fear

Every now and then my greatest fear will pop into my head, and usually it is when I feel the most protected and loved, during church. I don’t speak of it often because I feel like if I do it makes it greater and more likely to happen. So here it goes. My greatest fear is not for me but for my Evie. My fear is that complications with her disorder will take her from us before I am ready. My fear is that we will put her to bed one night, she has a seizure and doesn’t wake up in the morning or that one sickness too many and she will succumb to respiratory issues. It has happened to so many others it could happen to her.

All of these thoughts are waiting just on the edge of our everyday, whether she is having a great day or a really rough one. It is always lingering on the surface. I am not one to live in fear so I actually really appreciate that this thought often comes to mind when we are in church, when I am in the midst of incredible hope and grace, because what I feel He is trying to do is draw this fear out of me. 

I wrestle with the thought of why can’t Evie just be healed because I want her to be, why can’t a cure come sooner then later, why can’t I control any of this, why can’t I take it away or make things easier for her? All I hear in response to all of my questions is this “Even if not, He is still good.” 

Even if Evie is as she is for the rest of her life, He is still good. Even if she is taken earlier than I had planned, He is still good. Even if we do not see a cure in her lifetime, He is still good. Even if I can’t make her life any easier, He is still good. If all of my prayers aren’t answered, He is still good. Even if my greatest fear comes to pass, He is still good. 

That is a hard pill to swallow. See, the more I realize that no matter what comes He is constant, my fear disappears. He has Evie and all of us in the palm of His hand. He is carrying us through the good and the bad, He is there when we feel Him close and there when we don’t. In this life, that is so incredibly unpredictable, He is still good. 

I don’t know what this life holds for us other than beautiful moments with a little girl filled with the purest light. This life will remain to be unpredictable; nevertheless, through my greatest fear I will continue to hold onto hope and His goodness, because amidst this mountain we face everyday He is still good.